keep me in your glow

Tashiro Gonzaburou, third year reporting. Right now, I'm facing what might be my toughest challenge yet.

My dad's been away on a business trip, but he's coming home soon for his and my mom's wedding anniversary. She puts on a brave face, but I can tell my mom really misses him… I'm gonna crash at Shirahama's to give them some privacy, but I definitely want to give them some kind of gift first! Twenty years together is nothing to sneeze at.

I didn't exactly have a lot of cash to burn, and I had no idea what to get… Luckily, the city's big Christmas market was just around the corner, and admission was free. (They were taking donations for our local food bank, though, so I smuggled a can of chickpeas out from our pantry.)

I had never been to a Christmas market before, so I didn't really know what to expect going in. I came at the very beginning of open hours, but since it was already December, the sky was already getting kinda dark. Figuring I'd be in it for the long haul, I started pacing around in circles by the entrance.

To be honest, I was pretty nervous. I seriously didn't know what to get, or if there would even be something they'd both like at the market. To make matters worse, I'd be all alone for the day. Miyano and Kuresawa were both too busy canoodling with their significant others, and Shirahama had come down with a nasty head cold—most of the guys on the basketball team were catching it, apparently. I was so desperate for a second opinion, I went as far as opening Hanzawa's contact on my phone… before closing it right away. The guy was super busy, and with how far his college campus was, he'd have to travel a super far distance to meet me here on such short notice.

Thing is, as soon as I turned my screen off and looked up… who did I find staring at me but the Prez himself?!

When he finally stopped laughing at my reaction, he explained why he was there. Apparently, Hanzawa's older brother was friends with an up-and-coming fashion designer who sold some of his stuff at local Christmas markets every year. Hanzawa's brother promised to man the booth for today, but had to back out at the last minute when he was scheduled to present a group project. "Luckily," Hanzawa said, "I happened to be in the room while he broke the news. I offered to lend a hand, and the rest is history!"

Hanzawa wore a chipper smile for a guy struggling to lift a box for the full duration of our conversation. I've seen his abs before—he's not the strongest guy in the world, but if he's having that much trouble lifting some cardboard boxes, they must be pretty freaking heavy. It was then that I blurted out the words that landed me in my current dilemma:

"D'you want me to help you man the stall?"

So that's where I'm at now. Hanging out with Hanzawa-senpai, helping him with his table at a Christmas market. The thing is, Hanzawa looked so openly relieved when I offered to help that I really don't have the heart to try and back out of this one. I want to help him, I really do, but at the same time…

I still have no idea what I'm gonna get my parents!!!

"N-No… I won't… You can't make me take it!"

Hanzawa's brandishing a red Christmas jumper like a weapon. I can't see the pattern on it, but I know it's got to be something super weird. "I'm surprised you're still resisting," he says. In a quieter voice, he adds: "Don't you think it's best if we wear matching uniforms, Tashiro-kun?"

"Ack!" He's right about that…

With that split second of hesitation, Hanzawa gets the upper hand and pulls the sweater over my head. In my struggle for life, I don't even notice the footsteps approaching our table until Hanzawa lets me go with a cheerful "Why, hello! Come to browse my wares?"

The customer's voice sounds kind of familiar. I flail my arms around until they're through the sleeves of the jumper, then poke my head out the top to see who it is. Eyeing the clothes on the table, stuffing his face with bratwurst, is a tall, handsome guy about our age…

"Ah!" I point at him while he's mid-bite. "Kagiura, right? Shirahama said you were one of the last guys on the team still standing."

Kagiura nods energetically as he swallows his bite of sausage. "Yeah! I didn't think I'd see you here, Tashiro. You and Hanzawa-senpai are friends?"

Hanzawa gives me a firm clap on the back. "Tashiro-kun, this is Kagiura, a dear friend of mine from the school dorms. Kagiura-kun, Tashiro was my beloved protégé at the ping-pong club! He's helping me out because he's such a good boy. Isn't that right?"

"Beloved…?" Kagiura murmurs.

"I'm a normal boy. A normal boy!"

Hanzawa's boisterous laugh is loud enough to turn a few heads our way. Looking like he's deep in thought about something, Kagiura polishes off the rest of his bratwurst and says "Maybe you guys can help me out. I want to get a gift for someone important to me, but I'm not sure what to buy."

"Your girlfriend?" I ask.

Hanzawa's laugh cuts itself off with a loud, whistle-y noise. "Well! We shouldn't jump to conclusions. He could be referring to a family member, couldn't he, Kagiura-kun?"

Kagiura smiles at that. I can see why Shirahama talks about him so often—he's good-looking like an idol, but the warmth on his face makes me feel like I'm barging in on something seriously private. I've only ever seen that kind of expression when spending time with my parents, or when watching Sasaki talk to Miyano.

"Something like that," he says. "I got him jewellery for his last two birthdays, so I was wondering if I should switch it up for this Christmas."

Jewellery, huh? Maybe this guy's got a super flashy sense of style, like Hirano or Hanzawa. "What'd you get him before?" I ask.

"Oh, earrings! And a ring."

Kagiura points cheerfully at his own ring finger for emphasis. From the corner of my eye, I can see Hanzawa discreetly taking an Advil.

"So you wanted to get him some clothes, instead?" I guess that makes sense. This guy sounds like a pretty fashion-conscious person. Looking over what we have, I can see a bunch of graphic tees with simple designs on them (Hanzawa said they were made via screen printing), some jeans with holes in them, and a few patterned button-ups that seem more like Hanzawa's speed. There's also a small section dedicated to handmade jewellery, with simple earrings and pendants on display.

Kagiura scratches his cheek, frowning. "Aw, I really don't know what to get. I'll try and ask him about it discreetly. We actually came here together, but I told him I needed to go to the toilet…"

"I think you've spent quite a while 'in the washroom', Kagiura-kun."

"He thinks you took your sausage into the bathroom???"

Kagiura anxiously cards a hand through his hair. "I'll be back, okay? I don't want him to get suspicious!"

He turns to leave, freezes mid-stride like Bigfoot, then whirls back around to look at me. Pointing at my stomach, he says "Oh! By the way! I like your sweater, Tashiro-san. I love those games."

I haven't really gotten a good look at my jumper yet, just 'cause I figured Hanzawa gave me one that matched the more abstract design he was wearing. I look down at it as Kagiura scuttles away.

"Is that… Sonic…?"

Hanzawa beams. "Well? Is the sweater staying on?"

"…Only if you change into one with Shadow on it."

Kagiura comes back to our table every now and then. The guy he came with is never accompanying him, so I guess he just keeps going on more "bathroom breaks".

"Those jeans look cool, but I think he has something like that already," Kagiura says on the second visit, with a frankfurter.

"I saw a place selling bouquets, but that feels too impermanent… and I dunno if he's got a vase to put them in," he says on the third visit. He's thoughtfully chewing on a big chunk of liverwurst.

"Uggggggghhhhh…" he says on the fourth.

Hanzawa gently pats his head where it's slumped on top of our table, his bowl of curry wurst forgotten. Kagiura seems like the type to sulk a lot—he reminds me of Shirahama that way. Still, I didn't think I'd be seeing the top of his head any time soon.

"Um…" Given how touchy-feely Hanzawa's being, I wonder if it's okay to pat him on the shoulder or something. My hand hovers awkwardly in the air above him. "I'm sure whatever you get him, he'll appreciate the thought behind it?"

Kagiura cracks an eye open to peer up at me. "You don't sound very sure of that."

He's got me there. I don't even really know anything about this guy. I shove my hand back into my pocket.

"Kagiura-kun," Hanzawa says. "Tashiro's right. I don't think he would've accepted those other gifts if you didn't already mean the world to him. He wants to make you happy just as much as you want to make him happy. Regardless of what you decide to do, I think you'll both be alright."

The bustle of the market seems to fall away until it's just us and the steady sound of Hanzawa's voice. I hazard a glance at Hanzawa's face; the open gentleness on it makes me feel vulnerable, like I'm a little kid.

"Yeah," I say. "I mean, he already agreed to be your boyfriend, right? So don't stress too much!"

Hanzawa's hand stills. Kagiura's eyes squeeze shut as he takes a deep breath in and out.

Before I can say anything—maybe I read it all wrong?—Kagiura springs back up to his feet and gives his cheeks a few perky claps.

"Right! I shouldn't be moping around like this. Thanks, you two." When his hands leave his face, his mouth is set in a tentative grin.

He's off before either of us can blink. To my right, Hanzawa lets out a quiet groan and rests his forehead on one of the metal poles popping up our stall.

"You okay?"

Hanzawa closes his eyes. He doesn't really look upset, just… a little anxious. "I'll be alright. Give me a moment."

I give him some space. Hanzawa's always been kind of overprotective, I think. He likes being around people, but he really doesn't want anything bad to happen to them, which is silly. But at the same time, I can't bring myself to believe that whole thing with Kagiura was just a show of confidence.

I sneak another glance at him as he mashes his forehead against the pole. He must care for this guy a lot.

"…D'you want candy?"

Hanzawa's head sluggishly turns to face me, until it's his cheek smushed up against the pole instead. As he opens his eyes, I'm taken aback to see that same gentle expression pointed straight at me. "I would love some candy, Tashiro-kun."

Foot traffic in the market's starting to pick up. I was worried I'd have to cover up my cool sweater with a jacket as the day wore on, but I'm running around enough that it's not really an issue. That, and the day doesn't seem to be getting much colder.

Hanzawa nods when I tell him this. "Climate change is terrible, isn't it, Tashiro-kun?"

"Yeah, it really is."

We both take a minute to think about how messed up climate change is.

Once business finally slows back down, my mind drifts back to the reason I came here in the first place. I like helping Hanzawa, but I wonder if I should take a "bathroom break" of my own to scope out more of the market.

"Tashiro-kun." Hanzawa's voice pulls me away from my train of thought. He's holding a Thermos in his hands. "Hot chocolate?"

Never mind! I'm staying. I borrow some Styrofoam cups from one of the food vendors, and we clink them together like we're making a toast.

It's a lot better than the kind I make at home, mixing the little powder sachets you get at the supermarket. Hanzawa's hot chocolate is super rich, coating my tongue and leaving a hint of ginger behind in the back of my throat.

Hanzawa grins when I tell him that. "I made it myself," he says. "It's a bit more work than using the mix, but sometimes it's nice to do something with intention. I find it quite relaxing to try and perfect a simple recipe I'm already quite familiar with."

I give a noncommittal shrug. Honestly, I still think the powder would do if I ever get the craving... But enjoying something fancy like this isn't bad once in a while. Getting to see Hanzawa's pleased expression whenever I take a sip is a plus, too.

I watch steam rise up in dinky puffs from our cups, thinking about what Hanzawa said to Kagiura earlier. Would my parents really be okay with whatever I get them, so long as it's from their son?

…Yeah, probably. I don't even think they're expecting anything from me in the first place, since my "job" doesn't pay me in cash.

But still… I run my tongue over the roof of my mouth, gathering some residual bits of sweetness.

"Oh, Tashiro! I believe we have another customer coming our way. Could you re-stock the t-shirts on the left? I can throw out your cup for you."

I down the last dregs of my hot chocolate and thrust the cup at him. I feel like I'm brimming with energy all of a sudden. "On it, Prez!"

The sun's fully set. Hanzawa brought a bunch of Christmas lights to weave around the poles of our stall, but getting them to stay in place is surprisingly tough. I end up having to run to another stall and ask if we can borrow a roll of tape.

I'm so used to Kagiura's repeat visits that the next time I hear someone approach our table, my neck's already craned to make eye contact with someone gigantic. Instead, what I see is a shock of blond hair and a different familiar face.

"Oh, uh… Tashiro. Fancy seeing you here." Hirano's eyes blink owlishly at me, then try to follow my gaze up to whatever I'm looking at. "Hanzawa roped you into helping him, huh?"

Next to me, Hanzawa gasps in mock offence. "Of course not! Tashiro-kun here graciously volunteered to be my helper for the day."

"The same way I volunteered to be vice president of the disciplinary committee?"

Hanzawa puts a hand up to his mouth, which doesn't really do anything to hide the big grin splitting his face. "So petty, Hirano. And here I was hoping we'd both blossom into well-adjusted adults at the same rate…"

"Actually," I interrupt to say, "Hanzawa-senpai's right. I'm here 'cause I want to be."

Hirano gives me a thoughtful look, then breaks out into a fond smile. "Yeah? That's good. I'm glad he's got more people he can rely on."

Hirano and Hanzawa are sharing a look that I can't really decipher. I feel like a third wheel, for some reason.

Hanzawa claps his hands together a little too forcefully. "So! To what do I owe the pleasure, Hirano?"

Hirano rubs the back of his head with a grimace. "I was on my way to check on Kagi-kun, actually. We came here together, but he's been taking a lot of really long bathroom breaks… I'm kinda worried he's got food poisoning or something."

"Kagi-kun"… Kagiura?!

Hanzawa and I lock eyes. I guess my heart never really stopped thinking of him as my captain; my fingers twitch with the memory of all the drills he's pushed me through.

I know what he wants me to do. I can feel my heart pumping already. I clear my throat to draw Hirano's attention back to me.

"That Kagiura… He's, uh, pretty cool, isn't he?"

Hirano stares at me, blatantly surprised. I can feel Hanzawa's gaze boring into me between each frantic text he sends behind my back.

"Yeah… he is. How's the basketball team doing? You're friends with one of the guys, right?"

Yes! Success! I just need to keep him distracted until Kagiura gets here. "I heard they're really crushing it. Kagiura did a great job as captain this year."

I can see Hirano's whole face light up at that. He straightens up, clearly engaged. "He did, didn't he? He was scouted, too. I'm really proud of him."

"Yeah… and he can eat a whole sandwich in just two bites!"

Hirano laughs harder than I've ever seen him laugh—a real belly laugh that turns a few heads our way again. "What's that got to do with anything?!"

"That's cool, isn't it?!"

Hanzawa flashes me a thumbs up while Hirano's busy laughing again. I take that to mean Kagiura's on his way.

We don't get to celebrate for long; Hirano wipes the tears from his eyes and straightens up. "Oh, man. I got carried away there. Sorry, I'm heading to the washrooms now."

Hirano turns away and—before I can think better of it—I grab his arm out of desperation.

I can feel all the muscles in his forearm tense up right before he slaps my hand away. Something glints under the Christmas lights. A ring?

Before I can blink, he's already grabbing my hand and looking it over for injuries. "Shit! You okay? I'm sorry for hurting you."

My hand's shaking a lot, though whether that's from the cold or the pain or my nerves I can't tell. "It's okay! I'm sorry for grabbing you. There was, uh…" I flounder trying to come up with an excuse. Hirano's piercing stare is almost as scary as Hanzawa's. "Black ice."

"Black ice?"

"Oh yeah. Lots. Didn't want you to slip and hurt yourself!"

Hirano looks down. I follow suit. He's standing on a dry patch of grass.

"… Right. Uh, well… If you'll excuse me…"

Hirano drops my hand and turns to leave, only to lose his balance almost immediately. Thankfully, the person he bumped into steadies Hirano's shoulders and saves him from eating grass.

"Kagiura-san!"

"Kagi-kun?"

"Why hello, Kagiura-kun."

Kagiura squeezes Hirano's shoulders, frowning. "Taiga-san! You need to be more aware of your surroundings!"

"Oi. And who was the one standing right behind me without saying a word, again?"

"I just got here! I can't believe you."

They're pressed close, tugging at each others' cheeks and ears and squabbling like elementary school kids. I sneak a peek at Hanzawa to make sure I'm not hallucinating this out of pain or something. Well, at least he cut through the tension…

I spot a small gift bag in one of Kagiura's hands, hidden behind his back so Hirano won't see it. With his free hand, Kagiura wraps his scarf around Hirano and pulls him in close.

"I win!" he says.

"Win what, exactly?" Hirano's grinning so much despite his "loss" that I feel like some kind of voyeur watching them. Hanzawa's hunched over, looking away; his ears are super red.

My eyes trail back down to the ring I saw. They really are dating, huh? I guess there's a hidden side to every person you meet. Part of me figured Hirano would be single well into old man-hood, reciting equations while meditating under a waterfall or something. I guess he and Kagiura could do all that stuff together.

Existing near them is starting to make me feel way too single. With Hanzawa still recovering, it's all on me to take point on this one.

I puff my chest out and put on my best customer service voice: "Anything catch your eye, sirs?"

I can see Hirano's nose scrunch up at the treatment—probably because he's already seen me at the height of my weirdness—but Kagiura takes the time to nod sincerely and mull the question over. "Take a look," he says. "If there's something you want, I'll get it for you."

Hirano snorts. "What are you, my benefactor? I'm the one who has a job between us, y'know."

"Eh? So you'll buy me whatever I ask for?"

Hanzawa seems like he's recovered enough to laugh at their antics, which is good. "I'm afraid you walked right into that one," he says.

Hirano manages to give Kagiura a noogie while still bundled up in his scarf, which is a real sight to behold. Between Kagiura's yelps of protest, I think I can hear Hirano say something like of course I will, dumbass.

Hanzawa steps in to introduce everything we have for sale, which gives me a moment to step away and decompress. Something sugary would hit the spot right now…

Hanzawa turns his head around to grin evilly at me as soon as the foil wrapper of my lollipop makes a sound. "Oh? Did you perhaps bring enough for all four of us, Tashiro-kun?"

I can hear Hirano and Kagiura laughing somewhere behind me. Well, I won't say no to sharing, so—all things considered—I think that's a pretty sweet deal.

Illustration

Kagiura had the right idea. When it comes to despairing, putting your head down on a table and groaning is where it's at. The Christmas market's about to close, and I've been hit with a realization: I got so caught up in helping Hanzawa, I forgot to get anything for my parents!

Speaking of Hanzawa: he's crouched down next to me, rubbing slow circles into my back. "Tashiro-kun," he's saying, "are you feeling alright? I didn't push you too hard, did I?"

I groan again, then turn my head to face him. This close, I can see a mole above one of Hanzawa's eyes. "I'm okay. I just… I wanted to get something for my parents' anniversary, and I totally forgot!"

I watch Hanzawa's eyes widen, then close as he lets out a relieved sigh. "Honestly… Don't scare me like that. I was going to give you something as a thank-you, so why not give them this?"

Hanzawa sets something on the table between us. It's a snow globe, with a few snowmen wearing colourful scarves skating on a little frozen lake inside. A plaque on the outside reads: THANK YOU — 2018 Fujisawa Christmas Market.

"The city gives one out to all the vendors each year," Hanzawa explains. "Why not take it as a memento? It's the least I could do for all your help."

I pick the snow globe up gingerly, then shake it for a bit to watch the snow whirl around. My dad loves kitschy stuff like this. And what does my mom always say about decorating? Something about creating vignettes?

My cheeks feel warm. "That's… I feel weird taking this. I'm only here 'cause I wanted to hang out with you, y'know."

I watch Hanzawa's eyes sparkle through the glass of the snow globe. "Well, I'm very grateful for that, Tashiro-kun. I'm giving this to you because I want to. Besides, we have twelve of these at home already."

My head shoots up so fast that I feel a little dizzy. "Twelve?!"

Hanzawa laughs until he's hiccuping for air.