The rest of the week after his revelation feels unsettlingly normal. Ichinose still wakes up, goes to class, and studies like usual. While gay.
He half expects the floor to give out from under him. Or for everyone around him to be able to read his mind and know instinctively what he is. But if they can, they don't give him any indication of it. For all his rational mind knows he's the same person, it still feels like every step he takes exudes an invisible discharge of different, just waiting to be noticed by a passing bystander.
The only change to his daily routine comes after lights out, when he's run out of things to keep himself occupied. Only then does his brain try to yank old memories out from the recesses of his mind to find something— anything— that could have been a sign. He loses a few nights of sleep brooding over how weird he's acted in locker rooms, and how badly he wanted to impress his old civics teacher, and just how many times he's booted up Trails from Zero to watch Dudley's S-Craft animation. (That last one was especially embarrassing.)
On Friday, he stares himself down in the bathroom mirror. Ichinose's never had any strong feelings about his appearance one way or the other, but in the moment looking at his face feels like he's coming home to himself. He looks his reflection head-on and thinks: I like guys.
Coming back to his dorm room is weird after that. Hirano's just reading in his bed like normal, but even that feels exciting and novel in the moment. He and Ichinose exchange greetings with warm smiles.
Hirano is an easy kid. He's the only one who can keep up with Ichinose's study habits. The blond hair and rough demeanor were surprising at first, but Hirano's a kind and genuine person who sees things through— he's super cool. Ichinose's come to admire how Hirano can aspire to something, as small as bleaching his hair or as big as flying a plane, and just… do it. He pulls all his disparate threads together towards that goal, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It makes Ichinose think he seriously lucked out with his roommate for the year, even if a part of him feels envious at how natural Hirano makes it seem.
Hirano's digging under his pillow for something. He pulls out a little amber vial and thrusts it towards Ichinose decisively. "You left this on my side last night."
Ichinose takes a second to blink away the thoughts clouding his mind. Hirano's holding a vial of Ichinose's anxiety medication.
Time seems to slow down for a minute. It's no secret that he uses them; hell, Hirano's probably seen him take one most nights they've been rooming together. It must have fallen out of Ichinose's pocket when he watched that YouTube video with Hirano the night before. This really shouldn't be a big deal.
Ichinose's logical mind reaches a conclusion in less than ten seconds. His heart and his stomach haven't gotten the memo yet.
He manages to take the vial with a polite "Thank you, Hirano-kun", which is enough to earn him a gruff nod before Hirano goes back to reading his book like nothing happened.
…Hirano is really cool.
Ichinose sits back on his bed, feeling antsy. He's under no illusions that a more typical roommate would have let him off so easy. It's shameful to admit as his senior, but being paired with someone as accommodating as Hirano was probably a godsend; he's so understanding, even when Ichinose's too bogged down by his stupid stomach and his RA duties to be a good mentor, and still makes time to drag Ichinose away for breaks sometimes.
The prescription vial is small in his hand, and the tablets fill up less than a quarter of the volume inside. Before moving into the dorm, Ichinose had to bring a copy of his prescription and sign a contract promising he wouldn't sell or abuse his medication while at school; looking at them now, it feels funny how many social hoops he had to jump through for a few tiny pills.
Hirano's still absorbed in his book. Through the tinted plastic of the bottle, his face looks hazy and dreamlike. When he looks up and finds Ichinose staring at him, the face gives Ichinose a friendly smile.
What would people think, if they knew? He hasn't given it as much thought as he should. Hirano doesn't seem like the judgemental type, but he's said a few things about "a man's responsibility" that gave Ichinose pause. Hanzawa certainly wouldn't take it well. The dorm manager has a few diversity-themed stickers in his office— there's one that reads Be Yourself! with a rainbow background, which could really mean anything— but Ichinose's more wary of breaking the dorm rules around him. His parents…
His stomach gives an ominous twinge. He sits up a little too fast and decides to go over his English notes again.
Translate this sentence: My mother, my father, and I went camping in the forest together.
Ichinose's dad is a real "provider" type. He's super affable, too, having the phone numbers of everyone on their block. With his son out of the house, he's probably inviting them over for barbecued food every week.
My mother and father have a relationship of equals.
His mom is the breadwinner of the family. She has the same stomach problems, but powered through to become a nurse practitioner. His mother comes home dead tired most nights, but Ichinose can tell it's the love of the job that keeps her going back.
I want to support my parents.
Ichinose's an only child. He loves his parents, and he can feel the force of their love for him propel him forward. No matter how bad things get, they're there as a safety net until he gets back on his feet. He wants to give back however he can.
When I get married, I plan on having children. My parents will become grandparents.
Ichinose's dad watches a lot of TV. He does a pretty good impression of this one daytime talk show host; he pitches his voice up a few octaves and swings his hips around in circles.
If we have a Western-style wedding, my father will walk me down the aisle.
His mom's brother started dating again. "I'm happy that he can move on," she says, "but I can't believe he's dating someone who used to be a guy! I didn't think he was that desperate!"
If we have a traditional Shinto wedding, my husband and I will exchange three cups of sake.
His dad laughs along heartily. "You know, it's more common these days. Just be thankful she's not still a man, eh?"
Ichinose's stomach doesn't stop hurting while he reviews his notes. For as much as his body wants him to curl into fetal position and feel bad for himself, he's a little proud that he manages to stay upright and stare down at his notebook. Even if he can't actually make his eyes focus on anything. He skips dinner despite Hirano's insisting and barely touches the little bowl of rice the guy smuggles back for him.
By lights out, Ichinose's so bloated with pain that his skin feels like it's bursting at the seams. It's not like he hasn't felt this level of pain before, but knowing the reason behind it just makes his stomach feel worse whenever he dwells on it. A fact of life that he can't dodge or tiptoe around at all; the only way forward is through.
The only way forward is through. He knows this. He just wishes his body would cooperate a little more.
"I'm, uh, turning the lights off now." Hirano's hovering near the light switch awkwardly. Ichinose doesn't trust his voice to stay even, so he gives Hirano an energetic thumbs up instead. Somehow, that makes the furrow between his eyebrows even deeper.
Ichinose presses his palms flat against his eyes. The soft click of the light switch and the shuffling sounds of Hirano getting into bed are overwhelmingly loud in the quiet of the room. It's sweet how Hirano worries like this, really. Ichinose wishes he was a little more reliable, so he wouldn't have to see that worried expression so often.
Trying to sleep is a lost cause, despite his best efforts. He takes his anxiety medication, he takes a sleeping pill, he tries to burrow deeper into the covers until the world fades away. None of that really changes the fact that he has to talk to his parents about how he likes guys at some point, so his stupid stomach sees fit to keep fucking bothering him about it.
Ichinose's reminded of this movie he saw as a kid, where a creepy alien bursts out of a guy's abdomen. It was his dad's favourite movie, and he was so excited to show it to his son that he braved his wife's wrath for giving their kid nightmares after the fact. The memory makes his chest feel tight.
"Alien?"
Ichinose blinks a few times, stunned out of his thoughts. He takes a peek out of his blanket cocoon to find Hirano staring right at him.
"Huh? Did you say something, Hirano-kun?"
Hirano looks surprised at the response, which feels endearingly silly— you're the one who initiated, you know! He rubs the back of his neck, a little awkward. "Uh. The movie. Was it Alien? That's pretty cool."
Ichinose takes a moment to rewind the past minute or so in his head; when he realizes what Hirano's talking about, he clamps his hand over his mouth with a squeak. "Did I say that out loud?"
"…Did you not mean to?"
"N-No, it's just, um… How much did you hear, exactly?"
The ensuing silence says everything Ichinose needs to know. He groans and puts his head in his hands.
"Do you want me to call the dorm manager?"
"No!" Ichinose startles at how loud his own voice comes out. Hirano's staring at him with eyes the size of saucers. "I-I mean, it's really late, right? I don't want to inconvenience him…"
That, and he's not sure if having the subject of his gay crisis in front of him would help very much. What would he even say? "Sorry, I have a gigantic crush on you, and I'm freaking out because I really don't want to come out to my parents"? Just thinking it makes him feel pathetic.
Ichinose can just barely see Hirano's face, bathed in the moonlight streaming in through their window. He moves to prop himself up by his elbows, then closes his eyes for a few seconds. When he opens them again, they're armed with a piercing resolve that makes Ichinose shiver.
"Why don't we talk about it, then?"
"Eh?"
Hirano's already getting out of bed. "W-Wait, Hirano-kun! I don't want to keep you up, either!"
Hirano's face scrunches up like a cat who's just smelled something weird. "I don't want to sleep while you're in pain," he says. "I'm not gonna make you say anything, but I at least want you to be okay."
Touched as he is by how kind Hirano's being, he doesn't realize what his roommate's trying to accomplish until he effortlessly shoves Ichinose's cocoon closer to the wall and sits next to him in bed.
"…Huh?!"
It's a lot easier to see Hirano's face when they're this close. The dark blush sprawled across his sharp features is strangely captivating. "We don't have to be loud like this," he mumbles.
Ichinose resists the urge to brush a finger against Hirano's cheek, just to see how warm it's gotten. "Well… You're right about that…"
The silence that follows is so thick with tension, it leaves Ichinose feeling nauseous. He takes a slow, deep breath in, counting five seconds on his hand before releasing it. Hirano watches him, his expression neutral.
He's going to move forward. And the only way forward is through. With a shakier exhale, he curls up until the top of his head meets Hirano's thigh.
"I don't know. It's stupid. My parents like to joke about this stuff a lot. I feel like I'm overreacting."
Hirano frowns. "Joke how?"
Ichinose's stomach gives another awful twinge that reverberates through his whole body. He swallows a burning gulp of bile that threatens to upend the moment. "Ugh… they don't think gay relationships can be as meaningful as straight ones, I guess. They definitely wouldn't be okay if I told them that I— what I am."
Hirano doesn't say anything to that. Ichinose chuckles humorlessly and mashes his forehead hard into the muscle of Hirano's thigh, trying to distract himself from the pain in his gut. "God, this fucking sucks. Sorry, Hirano-kun."
Hirano stays silent for a few more horrible seconds before gently extricating his thigh from his roommate's head. Ichinose opens his mouth to— apologize, or laugh it off, anything to try and walk back from the line he just crossed, but falters when he feels a slender hand cradle his jaw.
Hirano lifts Ichinose's head, adjusting it until Ichinose feels the soft muscle of Hirano's thigh under his cheek instead. His hand trails down to rub soothing circles at the base of Ichinose's neck.
Ichinose looks up. Hirano takes up his full field of vision, illuminated by the moonlight; the open concern on his face makes Ichinose feel small. He tries to offer his junior a reassuring smile, only slightly diminished by the shaky, full-body shudder that accompanies it.
"I wish I could do more," Hirano says. "Uh… if anything happens, I can ask my parents if they'll let you stay with us. Hold on, let me get my phone…"
Hirano moves to get up, but Ichinose's hand moves before he can think to stop it and grabs Hirano's leg. He tries to say something normal in response to his junior's blank stare, but his voice comes out too weak and mumbly. "Um… just for a little bit… could we stay like this?"
Hirano stares back at him, his mouth forming a little 'o'. "Yeah— Yeah, of course."
Ichinose takes another slow breath in and out, trying to let the fingers combing through his hair lull him to sleep. As he finally drifts off, he thinks: Hirano-kun smells really nice.