Happy Pride!

I've known who I am for a long time, but I haven't come out to anyone in my family (or at work, or at college). And I never plan on it, unless I absolutely have to. I've come out to people before, all of whom have since exited my life, and I've regretted it every time. You might call it cowardice-- rightly so, to be clear-- but I like to call it "self-preservation".

It's a little alienating, especially considering how queer spaces (especially online) skew so heavily white that the mindset of individualism seeps into the popular understanding of what it means to be part of the community. When I was younger, I dreaded the seemingly inevitable day I would have to "come out" to my family and in doing so burn all bridges with them. The ritual of coming out is so integral to the common queer narrative to the point that choosing not to do so feels like a gross perversion of it. (and not the fun kind of gross perversion.)

It's hard to explain the concept of filial piety to someone who's willing to cut their loved ones off if they don't approve of them. That takes a lot of tenacity and strength, don't get me wrong, but that's just not the kind of life I've chosen to lead.

Believe it or not, though, I have pride too. Even if not a single person in my everyday life knows about that part of my soul, it's still there. I have to believe that. Right now, things are looking a bit uncertain for me... but even if I am forced to marry and bear children for my family's dignity, I only wish that this fire in my heart will never go out. Please, please, please, please, please.